you turned your livingroom into a bong?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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