Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
