I'm sorry my penis didn't work
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
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