I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
