Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
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