life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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