I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
