if i can run in heels then i can drive
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
