Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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