it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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