I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Randomize
