I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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