have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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