your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
