Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
