My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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