Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
