Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
We need to get me chipped asap
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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