I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Randomize