I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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