I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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