I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Randomize
