All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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