I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
