genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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