i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
