Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize