I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
