I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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