You smell like a Billy Joel song
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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