There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
