I'm so fucking centered right now
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
