She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Randomize
