I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
