Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
