you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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