I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
