i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
