nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
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