There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
