God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize
