Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
