Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
