when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Randomize
