I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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