i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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