Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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