its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
