haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
