Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
