god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
