remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize