You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
