It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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