Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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