I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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