I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
