Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
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