Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
