I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
