New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
my shit smells like andre
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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